ABOUT ME

Before Rock Kandy was ever conceived of, I was working in the healthcare industry as a nurse.  For me, it was an incredibly difficult, stressful, and often toxic work environment.  For a number of years, somehow I persevered.  I suppose when one is “in the thick of it”, it’s difficult to realize how unhappy you’ve become.  With each passing shift, the pattern of stress, surging adrenaline, fear, and anxiety was reinforced and strengthened. 

I realize now

that I based my self-worth on my job performance.  How fast and efficient was I that day?  How many different critical situations could I juggle at once (always falling short when comparing myself to others).  How many patients could I safely handle at once?  How could I improve my speed and efficiency (always pushing myself beyond what was reasonable for me personally). 

On my cherished days off, mostly I was too exhausted to accomplish much of anything, except stress about going back to work and facing it all again.  As the saying goes, I was burning the candle at both ends.   My career and life in general were beginning to suffer from this harsh, exacting toll.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually I was spiraling, sinking, deeper and deeper…more like drowning, and losing myself on the way down.  I had turned into some sort of empty, drained, dried out husk of a person.  I was surviving at the lowest level of existence, and had turned into someone that now, I would barely recognize. 

As fate would have it,

none of this would even matter.  For on a bright, sunny Saturday morning – February 25, 2017 to be precise, our lives were suddenly and unexpectedly shattered by the loss of our beloved daughter, Haley Erika, our 17 year old one and only child.  I shall leave details of the white hot, all-consuming grief to the imagination, should you dare to consider it (however, this I would not recommend). For the purpose of getting to know one another, I shall not focus on the darkness we were suddenly plunged into.  But it is important to establish this as the baseline from which I emerged. 

Fast forward

to current times, and an entire book could be written about this journey.  This journey, that has turned out to be the most profound and life altering experience I could have ever fathomed. 

Of course, the early days are a dark blur of despair, horrendous coping skills, and destructive habits.  I had never planned on surviving anything like this…  But each morning, my eyes kept on opening to a new day.  A new day, without my beloved girl.  My life was continuing, and my beautiful vibrant daughter’s life had abruptly ended.  How could this even be?  Nothing made sense to me anymore.  I was faced with the very real possibility of being completely consumed and destroyed by the grief.  I even welcomed this darkness to take me, inviting It with shaking, outstretched arms.  For a time, it looked like this was the exact way it would all unfold.

However, from this agonizing, bleak existence, I began to see the faint glimmer of a spiritual path flickering out of the gloomy depths, beckoning with lofty promises of healing and transformation. Communications, unfathomable synchronicities, and undeniable messages began to flood my awareness.  Contact was being established from across the Veil; messages that could only have come from Haley herself.  These often corresponded to my innermost thoughts, and were timed impeccably.  I’ll be the first to admit that at times, I thought perhaps I was losing it.  That the mind, in its desperation, was inventing these things.  But it kept on happening, and in fact – was becoming more profound and prevalent.  At times, the web of synchronicity was so incredibly elaborate, often including outside family members and or friends, leaving all involved stunned and mystified.   

As Haley’s communications continued,

I began to read every book on this subject that I could get my hands on.  I began turning toward the ancient wisdom teachings of the east.   Although I was raised in a typical mid-western neighborhood by European parents, somehow these ancient teachings resonated deeply within me.  And then, something shifted.  I no longer was interested in reading about others’ experiences and accounts, as incredible as they were.  Rather, I now had the deep desire to begin practices that would continue to cultivate my own personal, first hand experiences.  With the help of some longtime dear yogi friends, I began a regular yoga and meditation practice. 

I began to feel a bit better,

even though in the earlier days, any approach toward the emotion of joy resulted in waves of crashing guilt.  But more importantly, I noticed that the more I learned and the more I continued to practice, the more communications, synchronicities, and messages I received.  Admittedly, at first, this was my sole motivation for beginning these practices.  Ultimately, I took a leap of faith and surrender, taking the Yoga Teacher’s Training Course at the Sivananda Ashram in the Bahamas.  This was a monthlong complete immersion into the yogic lifestyle, the physical and spiritual practices, vegetarian/vegan diet, and the profound, ancient teachings.  To say it was a life altering experience, would be the understatement of the year.

Emerging from this experience, one thing was certain.  I would never be able to tolerate my old way of life again. 

This brings us to the humble but auspicious beginnings of Rock Kandy.  While Haley was still with me in the physical realm, she had two small succulent plants, each planted inside the cut off bottom of a plastic soda bottle.  We had planned a mother-daughter project of transplanting them, but sadly this was not to be.  One day I decided to take this project on myself.  I selected a beautiful, colorful succulent pot, the appropriate soil, and got to work.  I noticed two small, smooth river stones in one of Haley’s flower arrangements, and decided to paint them, as the finishing touch.  With this task complete, I posted some pictures for family and friends to see on Facebook, and called it a night.

As I was beginning to drift off to sleep,

I strongly felt Haley’s presence and energy; her radiance was beyond description.   As I became aware of her presence, she did not communicate to me with words.  Rather, she “pushed” the information and knowledge into me.  Contained within this communication, was everything I needed to do.  She “told” me that I should honor my artistic talents that I’ve brought with me to this life.  Sadly, I had never been able to pursue this, because my ego had convinced me it would never work, and that I was not nearly talented or skilled enough.  She went on to “tell” me my new business was to be called Rock Kandy (luckily I had enough sense to roll over and write the words on a scrap paper on the nightstand).   She even provided intricate details about a logo, the use of purple wax seals, and to include tiny scrolls tied with purple ribbon, containing the information about each unique piece.  The next morning, upon awakening, I had all of the knowledge inside me of what needed to be done.  Slowly and methodically I began fulfilling Haley’s set of instructions.  And here we are…..

Of course, as I embarked upon this new journey, 

that same old voice – my ego – continued its negative self-talk, comparing myself to others.  I would hear it say “Oh wow!  Look what that artist is doing!  You’ll never be that good, so why even bother?”  We all know that voice…  the voice of doubt, fear, and negativity.  But these were instructions literally from my Earth Daughter, now turned Spirit Child – from beyond the Veil!  How could I possibly ignore this?

In addition, I myself have had such an amazing personal and profound healing experience, following my own Dark Night of the Soul.  The inner transformation, as a direct result of the daily practice of meditation, along with additional practices such as yoga, pranayama (breathing exercises) and mindfulness have been astonishing.  How could I not share what I’ve learned with others who feel drawn to these practices and techniques?  The ego was going to have to climb into the backseat!  Sharing the experience of these teachings is far too important, and I have been Divinely guided to do this work…

I began creating a variety of visually stunning, energetically healing, meditation tools.  The handmade pieces come in a variety of styles, shapes, sizes, and cover a range of techniques, as we all have our own unique constitutions, temperaments and preferences.  Dedicated meditation pieces, for a dedicated meditation practice.  However, it turns out the road was more difficult than I imagined.

I needed to find my Tribe:

The communities of Lightworkers, Seekers and Healers.  Those with knowledge of this sacred work.  Those who explore the deeper questions with an open mind and open heart.  Those who wish to deepen their connection, on whichever path they find themselves drawn to.  Those who are ready to experience the magic firsthand, and are willing to do the work involved. 

Over the course of several years, I’ve participated in plenty of local art markets and mystical fairs, and have met some amazing souls along the way who share this very vision.  But there are so many more out there – those in need of healing, connection, profound silence, and the resulting, often elusive, inner peace. 

I decided that I must get my pieces out into the world,

and into the hands and hearts of others in need of healing, who are on a journey of spiritual awakening.   But – in order to manifest this vision, a huge mountain lay directly in my path, which had yet to be climbed and conquered.  This foreboding, formidable mountain was the dreaded “Mt. Technology”…   As a middle aged woman with limited computer and technical experience, where does one even begin? 

Well, as another twist of fate would have it,

an advertisement for a most amazing handmade business coach popped up on my Facebook feed one afternoon.  Could this be the missing piece to the puzzle?  This course was geared toward starting  and running your own handmade business from the ground up, website and all!  Taking this as a most amazing omen, I signed up, got to work, and the rest is history! 

Today

I am a spiritual aspirant, a yogi, and an artist.  I live empowered in my Truth.  I realize that despite the devastating pain and loss I’ve suffered, I am blessed to have a continued relationship with my earth daughter turned Spirit Child.  This relationship not only transcends the veil, but at times is so profound and meaningful that it can literally bring me to my knees.  I know now that Grace has brought me to this juncture, and It continues to permeate me.  I am beyond grateful for the teachings and practices that have brought me to this exact point in this ongoing journey.  I am honored to share what I’ve learned and created, to help the next suffering soul find deep healing and peace amidst the madness of the material world. 

Beauty can come of all things.  Namaste to you, Beautiful Soul.